BBC Three’s The Wall brings on a cocktail of emotions. All of these emotions are negative. I am overwhelmed by the consistency of sheer crappiness; every lame gag, every shitty gimmick, every forced laugh leaves me genuinely lost for words. I’ve started this piece about a dozen times, not because I am unwilling to tear apart this croque of embarrassment, rather I simply do not know where and how to start.
The premise is at least simple enough. BBC Three’s re-brand has involved new idents, a re-focus on “youth programming” (*groans), and a merciful departure from Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. To fill this seeming abyss, there is some “factual” programming, often featuring the smug Dawn Porter exploring issues like sexuality and body image in an insultingly patronising and narcissistic way, and some high-profile light entertainment, such as Lily Allen and Friends, and The Wall. Now I must resist simply slagging everything off that I have had the misfortune of watching, but there are a number of striking similarities between these two recent entertainment shows. The strongest common thread is their unashamed appeal, absolutely, to the lowest common denominator.
The Wall is a comedy showcase presented by charmless totty Alexa Cheung and that bloke off Star Stories. No not Kevin Bishop, not Trevor Lock, nor the one from Peep Show, the other one. Now the premise of the show is a studio stage showcase punctuated by guest interviews and presenter skits. All of these are terrible. Cringe-worthy just doesn’t cut it. Oh and did I mention that the studio was divided in two by a wall? Cool gimmick eh? No, not nearly cool enough for those boffins at the Beeb, because they made it a talking wall that makes wise-cracks and wall puns no less. Note that the last time a comedy wall was used on TV, it featured heavily on Hear’say Its Saturday. I can’t decide whether this is more or less amusing than Lily Allen’s absolutely fantastic internet comedy showcase involving animals rutting week on week. Still, this programme must be funnier right? I mean everyone is so wacky and cheery and funny that it’s just bound to be a total gag fest!
Unforgettable gags between Alexa and the other one include turds like “I spent time with your dad over the weekend” - up flashes a picture of a monkey driving a car. Drunk with laughter, I cannot imagine how they are going to top this. “Well I spent time with your mum”. Up flashes a picture of a hippo, and, needless to say, I nearly split my perineum laughing. To their credit, both put up with some really ropey writing; they feign amusement when faced with comedy abortion. But you must feel bad for them; the bloke came from Star Stories, possibly one of the best-written comedy shows of the last couple of years. And Alexa, well, she came from the absolute turkey that was “Get a Grip” alongside Ben Elton. S’pose there’s always T4…
The comedy acts are parodies of themselves. I know that reads like I’ve stated the obvious but I mean they are so clichéd and hammy, that the comedy act is a willing parody of a comedy act. A comedy old flustery character. A comedy cockney pikey. Wacky musical trio “We are Klang”. And Lucy Montgomery. Ok that last one is a bit harsh. You really could be fooled into thinking that you are watching SM:TV, the content and presentation of the whole thing is so woefully patronising and low brow. The only difference being that The Wall has some hilarious swearing (I’m still laughing at the word "fuck". Ha!). And SM:TV was much funnier.
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